♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪
♪ And I am proud to be ♪
♪ Right back in my hometown ♪
♪ With my new family ♪
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear ♪
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place ♪
♪ Where everyone will know ♪
♪ My happy mustached face ♪
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
The Cleveland Show 2x04 How Cleveland Got His Groove Back Original Air Date on November 6, 2010
♪ ♪
Oh, yeah, I'd eat me.
This is my best Halloween costume
since that time I went as Al Sharpton back in Quahog.
Trick or treat?
Take two.
Take three.
Take four.
That's enough.
Happy Halloween!
And then the ghost looked into the child's eyes.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
And he said...
"Boo!"
Ow! Bitch!
Breakfast anyone?
What restaurant is that from?
I-Hop-because-diabetes- took-one- of-my-legs?
Ain't nothin' but somethin' to wear.
Why the hell are you dressed like a damn buttrey flapjack?!
This is my Halloween costume.
It's what I'm gonna wear trick-or-treating.
Trick-or-treating?
You're 14!
You're too old to be trick-or-treatin'!
You go out looking like that,
the other kids will eat you
for breakfast. Breakfast?
But this is no laughing matter!
Grow up and get out of that costume.
You're more embarrassing than the time
that solicitor came to the door.
Hi, I'm collecting money for the Children's Hospital.
Is Cleveland Brown home?
I'm sorry.
There's no one here by that name.
Hey, hey, it's Cleveland Brown.
I have a mustache and a yellow shirt and I talk like this.
Leave a message.
Me no speaky English.
What the Halloween?!
Check it out, Junior.
I'm the late baseball Hall of Famer Willie Stargell!
And Donna's Michelle Obama.
With Oprah's arms.
Hey!
But Pops, you said I was too old to dress up.
You are.
And you're too young.
What?!
See, you're at that awkward age
where dressing up is lame.
Donna and I can do it because we're adults,
and for all people know, these are our regular clothes.
And Rallo can do it
because he's just a dumb little kid.
Ow, bitch!
Donna, the frozen peas?
But what about Roberta?
She's my age.
Everybody knows Halloween is just a free pass
for teenage girls to dress like sluts.
They just have to call it a costume.
So who are you supposed to be?
I don't know. A ghost?
Man, everybody gets to dress up
but poor ol' Cleveland Brown, Jr.
Das-a de breaks!
Ah...
Now, Junior, don't be sad.
You get to have fun on Halloween, too.
You get to stay home and hand out candy
to the trick-or-treaters!
Which is a big job for you.
Big boy.
What?! You're leaving a fat kid alone
with a bunch of candy?
No way, Hervé.
I've assigned a serial number to each piece.
Junior, you'll need to get a signature
from every kid that comes by
so I can verify that the candy went to them
and not into the old...
ancient corn dog burial ground here.
Okay, have fun!
Cleveland, peas?
Oh.
Junior, you can have these for dinner.
They're thawed and unusual-smelling.
We now return to Undercover Boss.
I never wash my hands after I go to the bathroom.
Do you? Why would I?
Aha! You're fired!
I'm tired of these gross trouser peas.
You're right, Larry the Leopard.
Why am I eating them?
I hope it's someone with a gun
who'll just blow my head off.
Trick or treat?
Gee, who are you supposed to be?
I'm Harry Potter!
I was being sarcastic.
I've only seen that cheap, drugstore costume
a million times tonight.
Sorry, mister. Our family's kind of poor.
Yeah, well, imagination doesn't cost anything, but whatever.
I'll need you to sign here.
Thumbprint here.
Enjoy your damn candy.
This is crazy, Larry.
All I want is to dress up once a year
and get some free candy, and I can't even do that?
You're right, Larry!
But don't talk with your mouth full.
I'm taking back Halloween!
♪ ♪
Hey, guys, look at the big gay pancake!
Say, man,
your mommy dress you up like that?
Naw, she's dead.
Are you guys trick-or-treating, too?
Sure we are, pancake.
And you're about to have a side of...
Let's throw eggs at him!
We can enjoy this because we're all wearing our safety belts.
Ha-ha, I got a huge sack...
of candy.
Oh.
You sure scored big tonight, Rallo.
But remember, you're only allowed
one piece of candy a day.
I don't want you rotting your teeth out.
At least my teeth ain't got wine stains at 5:00 in the afternoon.
What was that?!
I said you've got
a drinking problem.
Just because I enjoy...
Sweet candy and Jessica Tandy!
Ha, some jerk got his house wrecked.
I love Halloween.
Cleveland, that's our house!
In the middle of our street?!
That's madness!
Why would anyone do this?
I saw it.
I saw it all.
It was because of Cleveland, Ju....
Junior.
Avenge me, Cleveland.
Are you happy, son?
Does anything about my body language look like I'm happy?
Well, just to make sure you don't miss the point
of what happened here tonight, let's review.
Okay, this melon will be you.
Wouldn't it make more sense if I were the pancake?
I'm gonna put the pancake on the melon. Just hold on.
Okay, now give me your glasses.
Hold this.
Okay.
That's what happened to you tonight!
You got hit by eggs!
No-duh! I was there!
Junior, you can't dress up
like a pancake at your age!
The only good thing about it is, it's a break
from that stupid red shirt that shows your stomach.
Roberta gets to show her stomach.
Again, that's because she's a slut.
Ooh...! Ooh...!
Well, Mama said one piece a night.
But she didn't say how big a piece.
Really?
All right.
Hey, cool.
I'm Cap'n Crunch.
Cleveland, come with me.
I want to show you something.
If Cap'n Crunch is out there, I'm-a flip out.
Time for me to grow up.
Good-bye, Big Crayon.
I had fun playing with you
and pretending an evil wizard shrunk me.
Good-bye, Easy-Bake Oven.
I had fun making tiny cakes with you and pretending
an evil wizard turned me into a giant.
Well, Larry, I guess this is it.
I'll never forget you.
I love you.
Shh...
It's okay. It's okay.
It's okay.
Let go, Larry.
Let go!
Oh, my God!
I know.
He's devastated about last night.
You have to stop him.
Stop him?
Do you know how long I've waited
for this day to come?
You can't let your son throw away everything
that defines him!
Donna, he's a teenage boy who talks to stuffed animals,
and worse, listens to 'em,
and then changes his opinion
based on what they've told him!
Look, I'll make this work,
just like I made that time machine work.
Hey, younger me.
Hey, older me.
Raiders are gonna win tomorrow.
Yes! Cha-ching!
But think twice before using the winnings
for swashbuckling lessons.
Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
I'm gonna get swashbuckling lessons!
Oh, man, I cannot eat like that anymore.
It was fine when I was four,
but the old metabolism ain't what it used to be.
All right, a bonus piece of Tuffy Taffy.
Ahh! My tooth!
Ah! Oh, no, Mama was right!
My teeth are rotting out!
Oh, she's gonna kill me!
Oh, great.
Now I look like workplace predator, David Letterman.
"Ah, ah, have sex with me, ah!"
Now, this is starting to look like a bedroom.
You like it?
I don't know.
It looks nice, but it's not really me.
Oh, don't worry.
It will be as soon as we change everything
about the way you look, think and act.
I don't want to do that!
So I guess now I do want to do that.
That a boy!
Donna, get in here!
Allow me to present as you've never seen him before,
the all-new Cleveland Brown, Jr.
'Sup?
Wow, this is quite a transformation.
What exactly did you two do today?
Nothin'. Guy stuff.
Like if I said, "Boobies, 12:00,"
that would just confuse you because you aren't a guy.
By the way, Dad, boobies, 12:00.
Look, Junior.
The big hand's on the two.
All right, then.
I'm going to go take a poop like a man-- standing up.
Well...
14 years ago, I created a child,
but now, I've created a son.
I don't know, Cleveland.
Like my cousin Ernestine always used to say,
"A frog doesn't look good in a fur coat."
Uh-huh.
Why doesn't she say it anymore?
She finally found one that did look good in a fur coat.
Then she took her life.
Mm.
The point is, Cleveland,
I'm not convinced Junior's happy.
Well, I'm not convinced
the lump on my testicle is benign,
but you don't see me running off to the doctor.
I miss me.
Hey, Mama, you know what would be fun?
If you put all this food in a blender for me,
and I drank it with a straw,
wouldn't that be fun?
Ooh! I want my food in the blender, too.
No blenders!
Everybody eat your damn food!
Shoot. Shoot.
Can't eat smoothie in my own house.
Mom, I need a late curfew tonight.
Oliver Wilkerson's having a party.
Oh, a cool kids party?
What are we talking? A house party?
Pool party? Kegger? Rave?
Toga party? Pajama jammy-jam?
Pub crawl? Tea party? Reggae sun splash?
Stag party? After-party? Lemon party?
White elephant? Sadie Hawkins? Quinceañera?
Nah, just a party.
I love parties.
Well, guess what, Dad.
I'm going to hit up Oliver' s party, too,
now that I'm cool and think parties are cool.
That's my boy.
Now, when you go in the bathroom at the party,
just know there will be pee everywhere.
It's not your job to clean it up.
Right. It's my pleasure.
No! I mean, I'm not going to clean it.
I'm going to pee all over the place.
Donna, may I pee all over our bathroom?
No.
Aw. In the yard?
If you finish your vegetables.
Well, boys, guess whose son
is out partying with the most popular
and most sexually active kid at Stoolbend High?
Junior's hanging out with Roberta?
No. Oliver Wilkerson.
Wow. Notot too, uh... not too shaggy there.
The Junior's finally hanging out with the cool kids.
I hung out with the cool kids last week.
Bought them beer.
Tried to stay and drink it with them.
Told me to get lost.
Asked them to pay me back for the booze.
Kicked my ass.
Called their school.
Got them banned from the eighth grade formal.
Who's the cool kid now?
Uh... you.
Well, I'm going to head over to that party
and see my boy in action.
Gus, can I have the rest of this to go?
Sure thing, favorite patron of mine.
Thanks, Gus.
Oh, I got to hide this tooth
somewhere Mama will never find it.
Under the pillow!
Oh, I'm far too fretful to fall asleep.
May as well call into Sports Chat.
Hello, caller.
Welcome to Sports Chat.
I'm Dwayne Meighan, host of Sports Chat,
and you are caller.
Don't try to listen to yourself
on the radio while we're on the phone
because there was all sort of problem with this.
Be this understood, go ahead, caller.
Thank you for calling.
I'm Dwayne Meighan, and you're on Sports Chat.
Now you say.
Hello? Am I on the air?
Caller, you are on the air.
You are not trying to listen to yourself, were you?
No.
Go ahead, caller.
I'm Dwayne Meighan.
Now you say.
Uh... yeah.
How about the Yankees?
Jeter...
A-Rod, all those guys.
I'm sorry, caller.
I miss what you had said on account of I couldn't resist
turning on my radio here at the station.
Mm. Talking baseball.
There's my party boy.
Lots of righteous babes here, eh, dudes?
With their nipples and whatnot.
You're gay-- gay pancake.
Here. How about a drink?
Okay, my turn.
So you just stood there and watched?
You didn't stop those boys?
Oh, yeah, Donna.
The gay pancake needs his daddy to save him.
That would have looked real cool.
Man, what a party.
It was sick.
I hung out with my new friends, had some drinks, some laughs,
and I definitely was not duct-taped
to a male mannequin and put up on the roof
and laughed at by helicopter police.
He's covering. That did happen.
I should have changed him better.
Cleveland, you can't force a sweet,
round peg like Junior into a stupid,
beer-chugging, sports-loving square hole.
Girl, you did not just tell me how to raise my children.
That child has stamped out
everything that makes him unique.
And for what?
All for the approval of a couple of bullies?
And his father?
You're right.
What have I done to my boy?
I've ruined him,
just like I ruined David Carradine's funeral.
David Carradine brought pleasure to millions,
but none more so than himself.
When David had a particularly meaty part,
he would roll up his sleeves
and milk it for all it was worth.
But David was at his best
when he was just hanging around,
spurting enthusiastically to friends
till he was blue in the face.
I'm sorry.
No, it's okay.
Stand up. Stand up, would you?
Go ahead.
David would have wanted you to laugh.
The guy died of autoerotic asphyxiation, for God's sake.
You can die from that?
What up, brah?
Junior, there's someone here who wants to see you.
Larry, you're alive!
No, he's not.
He's a stuffed animal.
But I went and dug him out of a Dumpster,
wrung out the garbage juice
and rubbed him down with a Bounce sheet
because I want you to be who you really are.
We're going out.
We're making our own Halloween.
Hey. You got-a coconuts in your head?
Everyone's going to pick on me even worse
if I'm the only one in costume.
Who said you'd be the only one?
I'm toast.
I'm honey.
I'm Angela Lansbury's left breast.
Lester! Fried egg.
And I'm bacon.
And together...
We're all part of this balanced breakfast.
Wow!
How did you get those costumes so fast?
I had them at home.
Kendra and I do a little role-playing.
It gets her hot when I dress up as big food.
Hello?
Can the toast make out with the bacon?
♪ ♪
♪ You let me violate you ♪
♪ You let me desecrate you ♪
Dude, there's some kind
of performance artists in your front yard.
What?
Trick or treat, bitches.
The world is dark and quiet.
Egg-kake!
♪ ♪
Coach Cleveland?
Hey, Oliver.
Don't forget about practice tomorrow.
Okay, Coach.
See you there.
Thanks, Dad.
I'm going to remember this Halloween forever.
I'm glad you had fun, Junior, 'cause God only knows
what they're going to do to you at school tomorrow.
I can't really protect you from that.
Rallo, what is it?
Mama, I ate a bunch of candy,
and I lost my tooth just like you said,
and now my tooth turned into a quarter,
and the world is scary, and my young mind is so confused.
Oh, baby, I know you lost a tooth.
Don't worry.
The tooth fairy took it and brought you that quarter.
The tooth fairy? Who's that?
Well, Rallo, he's a fairy
who comes into your room while you're sleeping,
takes your tooth and leaves you money.
And what is in it for this gentleman?
I guess he likes baby teeth.
Whoa.
I reckon it don't get any weirder than that.
I forgot the safe word!
== sync, corrected by elderman ==